eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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