sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
