Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
