You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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