Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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