Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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