Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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