I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
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