I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
