Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
