everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
