the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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