no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My bed smells like the plague
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
