The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
