my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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