I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So drunk its hurt
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
