i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
