My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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