if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize