Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
