My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
