Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
