I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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