My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
