if you like me you must not know who I am
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
