You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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