your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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