3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
