So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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