I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
