Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Michael Bay diarrhea
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
