I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize