How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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