shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
