I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
