Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
