She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
