I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
you made out with another girl for some wings
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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