Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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