Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize