may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
