Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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