Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
