Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
