I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
