What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Watching her eat just hurts me
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
