she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
