He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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