There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
