Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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