she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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