I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
