My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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