you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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