Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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