mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
