my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
