i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
